Witnessing a loved one battle a debilitating condition can be stressful, baffling and painful! It “…often makes people feel helpless and uncomfortable, and they may behave in awkward ways or simply feel the need to create distance. Their emotions of fear, disappointment, and loss are often complicated by feelings of guilt for being healthy or for having needs that [they] may not be able to meet”1 explained Lisa Lorden, a writer who lives with chronic illness. 

We hate to see them hurting, but we really do not know how to help or what to say. “…the ambiguity surrounding the illness keeps people confused, so they don’t know what to do or what decisions to make”2 revealed Pauline Boss, PhD a professor of Family Social Science at The University of Minnesota. When we think of something we are sure will help, we are often met with an irritated reaction from our friend or family member. This response makes us wonder where they are coming from and why they are so sensitive.

Regrettably, we can easily fall prey to disbelieving our loved one, because to us they “look” fine, even though they say they are not. It is difficult for us to understand this perplexity and sometimes easier to come to the conclusion that they must simply be exaggerating their situation or even making it up. “Peoples’ observations do not conform to their expectation as to what a sick person should look and act like,” examined Lisa Copen, the founder of Rest Ministries. “Therefore they are quick to become intolerant and suspect that the symptoms are overstated.”3

Despite the fact that we expect them to “look sick,” as when they are in bed with the flu, they usually do not. Why? Well, because they do not have the flu. They have a continuing condition that does not always produce the fever or viral infection that causes them to look flush and drawn. While most people in severe pain wince and moan until the pain subsides, someone in chronic pain makes great efforts to walk upright, smile and enjoy life. For them they can no longer wait for the pain to leave - they must try to move on. 

The truth is that even though we assume someone with an ongoing condition is going to look sick or in pain, “Many with chronic physical illness look no different than other people, so family members and friends may not realize why they are preoccupied with pain or their prognosis”4 Boss reported. Thus, we must learn to listen and believe our loved ones when they tell us of their struggles, whether we can “see” it or not.

What is more, when a person lives with a debilitating condition, they often lose the ability to participate in various degrees of activities they have always enjoyed. Some only contend with minor adjustments and are still able to lead full active lives. Some learn to set boundaries and modify tasks and activities to avoid flare-ups. Others lose careers, hobbies and struggle just to get through daily living.

Douglas Groothuis, PhD, an author and husband whose wife lives with Fibromyalgia, shared, “A seminary student of mine looks healthy, yet he suffers from such chronic and extreme back pain that he lost his medical practice. He also lost a friend who could not accept the limitations that chronic illness put on their relationship.”5

These losses are very real and can be devastating. Still, we often do not think of the inability to participate in an activity as a loss, as in the death of a loved one. Therefore, we often fail to advance through the proper stages of grief and loss with our loved one Instead of addressing the situation so that we can adapt and cope, we often choose to remain in denial. Boss described, “Cognitively immobilized, many choose irrational responses; they close out the ill person, and act as if he or she is already dead and gone. Or they deny the illness exists, and interact with the ill person as if nothing were wrong.”6

We may even claim our loved one is failing to follow the doctor’s advice or is not trying hard enough. We assume that modern medicine must have something to get the patient back to functioning normally. But, treating chronic conditions is not always that simple: “Chronic illness rarely responds to a direct intervention, and by definitions, is elusive of cure,”7 admitted F. Marcus Brown III, PhD, a therapist who specializes in chronic illness. Therefore we cannot jump to the conclusion that they are sick, because they have failed to try to get well.

Often we tell our loved one they just need to “look at the bright side” or “have a positive attitude,” not taking into account the loss and struggles they encounter on a regular basis and disregarding the incredible attitude they have already displayed. “The individual living with chronic illness has a history of health, has felt well and lively, and has independently pursued goals and dreams” declared Jackson P. Rainer, Ph.D, a leading authority on grief and loss. “As the illness progresses, she must adjust each day to the disease, sometimes severe, sometimes in remission, and always present. The sense of health and vibrancy is, at best, diminished, and at worst, lost.”8 

Other times, we begin to question why God would allow them to suffer. We know that our Lord is fair and just, so we may tragically assume that it must be the fault of our loved one. “We tend to take health, family, food, and other blessings as being our birthright. The thought does not come easily that these are blessings that we don't deserve, that God is free to either give or withhold”9 explained Jeffrey Boyd, MD, a psychiatrist who writes and lectures on coping with chronic conditions.

We might even jump to the conclusion that they must lack enough faith to be healed or they are caught up in a secret sin. Therefore, we bombard them with books, tapes and even Scripture in effort to convince them that if they followed all the proper steps, they would no longer be ill. This is not how God intends for us to come along side our brother or sister. There are no fancy words or formulas to make God give us what we want. He is not a genie we can take out of the bottle to perform our every wish. We may continue to ask Him for healing and have complete faith that He can, but that is if it is His will.

All the same, we must learn how to be sensitive to our friend or family member. We cannot treat them as if they are at fault, lack faith or are not trying hard enough to get better. It is one thing to share information in support and another to attack their most valuable sustenance – their faith and relationship with the Lord.

The purpose of this guide is to shed a light on ongoing illness and pain. In Part Two, we will discuss some of our natural responses to someone debilitated by illness or pain and why they may not be helpful. We will also address some reactions we, as believers, are tempted to give and why they can be hurtful. Some of these examples may seem perfectly appropriate to us, while others may be obviously unacceptable. Either way, this booklet will help us all to see why our well-meaning comments may not be well-received. In Part Three, by mapping out some steps of how to be a source of encouragement, we will learn how to positively respond, what to say and why.

Our hope in making this booklet available is to bring friends, family members and loved ones together to a compassionate understanding, by untangling the perplexities of how to be a true foundation of support. Moreover, we endeavor to make evident what unsung heroes those living with chronic conditions are, so that we may all see the battle they are fighting with courage, perseverance and most of all… faith.

Copyright © 2004 Where Is God Ministries

www.WhereIsGod.net 

References:

¹ Lisa Lorden, “When You Need A Friend,” Self published, 1999.

www.anapsid.org/cnd/coping/needfriend.html (accessed March 23, 2004). Body.

2 Pauline Boss, “Ambiguous Loss from Chronic Physical Illness: Clinical Intervention with Couples, Individuals, 

and Families,” Journal of Clinical Psychology-In Session, Volume 58

(November 2002): 1353.  

3 Lisa Copen, “When the Illness is Invisible,” …And He Will Give You Rest Newsletter, Volume II, Issue 3

(1998): www.restministries.org/art-invisible.htm (accessed March 23, 2004). Body.

4 Boss, 1352.

5 Douglas Groothuis, “Seeing Invisible Disabilities,” MOODY, Volume 102, No. 1 (September/October 2001): 41.

6 Boss, 1353.

7 F. Marcus Brown, III, “Inside Every Chronic Patient Is an Acute Patient

Wondering What Happened,” Journal of Clinical Psychology-In Session, Volume 58 

(November 2002): 1444.

8 Jackson P. Rainer, “Bent but Not Broken: An Introduction to the Issue on Chronic Illness,” 

Journal of Clinical Psychology- In Session, Volume 58 (November 2002): 1348.  

9 Jeffrey Boyd, But You LOOK Good! (IDA, 2003), xiii.