Husbands Testify of Their Love for Their Chronically Ill Wives and for God.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her... Ephesians 5:25

Husbands Testify of Their Love

For Their Wives and for God!

INDEX:

A Hope Big Enough - by Barb Wise

Husband and Caregiver- A doctor's personal journey

Married for Life - by Dick Ernst

Paul's Love - by Paul Ferguson

Top 10 Things Husbands Can Do... by Wayne Connell

Until Death - by Barb Henderson

When Your Wife Is Ill - By Wayne Connell

A Hope Big Enough

Written by Barb Wise

Copyright © 2004 Focus on the Family www.Family.org

Sherri's friends, Rick and Barb, share their story of unconditional love and commitment. They speak all over the country on the importance of abstinence.

“Your HIV test came back positive,” the testing center counselor said. Knowing HIV caused AIDS, I tried to grasp the reality of being HIV positive, while hurling it as far away as possible.

Two weeks earlier, in March 1993, the possibility of marriage had prompted me to tell Rick that even though he had remained a virgin, I had not. I didn’t become a Christian until after college, and I had given my body to others. Rick had assured me my past wouldn’t hurt our relationship, but now, how could I tell him this news?

I hadn’t even told him I’d been tested; the likelihood seemed so remote. So I decided to retest, just to be sure.

The struggle Driving home I thought, This can’t be happening. I am only 27 years old. Rick and I are in love and want to marry. Rick is a strong Christian man, but why would he commit to a woman who might have a terminal illness?

By midnight, my tissue box was empty, yet I struggled with my thoughts through the rest of the night. What a hypocrite. Everyone will reject you—Rick, family, friends, church members, co-workers. What a failure. You’ll die alone, thin and weak. Covered with sores. In pain. Without friends. You will have nothing.

By morning, I was still awake, and I knew I would see Rick that night. I can’t keep this from him, and why should I? He deserves to know the truth, I thought. Then he’ll be gone!

That evening, we sat and faced each other. Rick’s eyes met mine. I looked down at my hands and tried to speak, but managed only a stifled cry.

“What is it?” Rick asked.

“Remember our conversation about me not being a virgin?” I sobbed. “I was tested for HIV, and it came back positive.”

Rick reached over to hug me, but I pulled back. “Please let me hold you,” he said.

“I don’t think you should touch me. You could get this,” I said, knowing very little about the virus.

“I can’t get it from hugging you,” Rick said. He wrapped me in his arms, and we both cried. “I know this will change our relationship,” I whispered.

“I am ready to commit my life to you,” Rick said. “Although I don’t know exactly what the future holds, I will be here for you. Nothing you do or say will change my mind. If our hope is not big enough to handle any eventuality, our hope is not big enough. Our hope is Jesus Christ, and He is big enough for this.”

The retest came back positive. I consulted my doctor for a prognosis. “Your T-cell count is 147,” he said. A normal person’s is between 800 and 1,200. You have two weeks to a year to live.”

The doctor gave me a prescription for AZT—the first drug approved for the treatment of HIV—and I stared at the paper in disbelief. How do I live the rest of my life in two weeks?

Later that night, Rick held me again, and we wept together. We were not expecting such grim news. I didn’t even feel sick! But Rick prayed, comforted me and gave me the courage to face our reality.

More painful revelations Then past boyfriends began to call after the state notified them, advising them to get tested. So I painfully told Rick everything, and the truth strangely provided a defense against future misunderstandings and confirmed Rick’s forgiveness.

“How can you stay with me?” I asked Rick.

“All of us are broken. Sin has consequences, but God’s grace is big enough to help us through them. When you told me you were HIV positive, I chose to support you through a terminal illness. I love you, and love is not easily turned away. Our relationship with God is all that matters and no one, no disease, can ever take this from us.”

At work I fought thoughts of condemnation and fear, and my struggles were not without tears. I noticed concerned looks from my manager and co-workers, and I worried that if I lost my job, I would never be able to get health insurance again. So I talked to my manager, and he graciously arranged for me to take a month off from work to locate an infectious disease doctor, establish counseling and inform my family.

At first, I wouldn’t tell my family. “I can’t bring all this pain into their lives,” I reasoned. But my counselor convinced me I needed their support.

Rick sat by my side as I told my immediate family. When I finished, Rick added, “I love her and will be here for her.” Then Rick told his parents and declared his commitment to me.

During the next few months, we asked pastors, doctors and counselors whether or not Rick and I could get married. We always got the same answer. “People with HIV can still get married, but there will be some sexual restrictions.”

Committed for life That May I took Rick out for a surprise dinner to celebrate the purchase of his first home. After dinner, Rick pulled out a small Bible and read 1 Corinthians 13. He then got down on his knee, pulled out a ring and proposed. I couldn’t speak. I just kept nodding. On Oct. 9, 1993, we married knowing we might only have a few months together.

Ten years later we remain happily married. Advances in medicine provided a three-drug therapy referred to as a “cocktail.” The therapy keeps me alive but involves changing drugs often. These medicines have severe side effects such as liver damage, nerve damage, fatigue, headache, rash, nausea and diarrhea. Currently, my T-cell count is 522, and the side effects from my latest cocktail are minimal—though no one knows the long-term effect of these drugs.

Rick remains uninfected. He continues to lovingly stand by me as we deal with the side effects of new drugs, the uncertainty of my medical condition and the sorrow of not having children. We still walk, hold hands and exchange our deepest thoughts. And I still marvel at how God demonstrated His forgiveness and redemption through Rick’s love, faith and commitment to me.

Barbara and Rick Wise live in Littleton, Colo.

© Copyright Information: This article was published on this site with permission from Barb and Rick Wise. This article MAY NOT be republished without consent of Focus on the Family www.Family.org It MAY NOT be copied or printed from this website. Original appears at: http://www.family.org/fofmag/cl/a0029821.cfm

This article appeared in Focus on the Family magazine.
Copyright © 2004 Focus on the Family.
All rights reserved. International copyright secured.

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Husband and Caregiver:
A doctor's personal journey

through his wife's illness.

By Brenda Marks

The grief would come in waves, washing over him when he least expected. At times it was brought on by the winsome smile of his daughter, regardless of the turmoil in his life. Other times it was triggered by the day-to-day fight to save his first wife.

For Jeffrey Boyd, MD, watching Pat Boyd endure chronic illness for 18 years before she died, left him devastated. After all, he was not just her husband. He was also her caregiver.

Humility and reflection

"I cannot say that Pat and I were always successful in dealing with the illness," recalled the psychiatrist and Chairman of Waterbury Hospital's Behavioral Health Department. "I came away from [the experience] feeling humbled and that I was not as good a caregiver as I should have been."

Pat Boyd's last years weren't easy. She had heart problems, two strokes and her kidneys failed leaving her on dialysis. She had diabetes, went blind and even had to have both her legs amputated above the knee. She died in 1985 at age 50.

Still, her husband tried to ease her anguish.

Once during one of Pat's hospitalizations, he sneaked their very young daughter in to visit her mother by disguising the youngster as a patient in a wheel chair. The pair succeeded in their late-night reunion.

It is a bright memory interwoven in a time fraught with pain, a recollection that still brings tears to the doctor's eyes.

"My wife suffered so much and for so long," said Dr. Boyd. "I couldn't take watching her go through it. For a decade, we didn't know when Pat would die."

A resolve to understand chronic illness
That nearly two-decade struggle left Boyd searching for answers. He resolved to learn how it was that some people remained optimistic even with continual illness. So he began to research, interviewing people who lived with persistent poor health. He talked to sick people, their families, physicians, nurses and clergy.
His findings are being compiled into a book-in-progress to be titled, "Joyful Living Despite Chronic Illness." He hopes to finish the book next year.

Remaining upbeat

"Chronic illness is like having a life career," said Dr. Boyd, who is also an ordained Episcopalian minister. "You can succeed or fail at it."

What he discovered about people with unremitting health problems renewed his faith in life.

"We are a health-oriented society," he said. "People are often uncomfortable around other people with prolonged illness. They don't know what to say because they are living their lives in a different world. People with ever-present illness don't know how they will feel tomorrow. They have to live moment by moment. Yet, a number of them remain upbeat."

"People need to realize what life is really about," Dr. Boyd said. "Is it having money, a powerful career or good vacations? Or is it about the small blessings?"

Sharing the caregiver's load

A framed picture of an angel sits on the desk of Dr. Boyd's office at Waterbury Hospital. A satellite map of the Holy Land as seen from space hangs on one wall. A book on successful aging is piled with other volumes in a corner.

"Society is aging as a whole," he said. "And the risk of acquiring a chronic illness increases as you get older."

Either way, the aging of the baby boomers does not have to be filled with pessimism, he said. "There is a decline in the level of disability because of all of the medical advances and new medicines," he said. "We are certainly less impaired by illness than our parents were."

Dr. Boyd said that the other side of the issue is how caregivers deal with having someone they love suffer from a chronic illness.

"Caregivers have to share the load, but they have to take care of their own needs and keep in touch with a network of people who face similar problems," he said. "Some people get depleted by caring for a sick family member, but others become strengthened."

Dr. Boyd is a psychiatrist, practicing in Connecticut. The ordained Episcopalian minister also writes and lectures on coping with chronic illness. This article was posted with permission from Waterbury Hospital. For permission to publish in any way, contact the Public Relations Dept. See original article Here.

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Married For Life

Written By: Dick Ernst

First of all, we have been Christians for almost 32 years now. Down through the years, it has been a process of constant changes. The thing that has really helped me is that I have learned to a great extent to go with the "flow." Whatever the Lord Jesus Christ wants me to do and no matter how hard the adjustment may be or how painful it is, I must yield.

With Joan's illness at first it was lovely. She had her double by-pass and through the circumstances of that, we were reconciled with our ex-pastor's wife who was a tremendous help and a prayer warrior. Then the grafts (veins) failed and she had to return to the hospital. Both angioplasties were unsuccessful. The surgeon came out and said that there was a great possibility that Joan would be a vegetable for the rest of her life. I told him that all I had to go on was my "faith."

After the surgical procedure, I stayed with her until 11:00 p.m. or so. She had started vomiting which wasn't a good sign. I left around 11:30 to go home to take a shower. A message was on our answering machine to quickly return to the hospital. She had a stroke from the medication and wasn't expected to recover.

I called our friend, Karren and our pastor and his wife. Karren met me at the emergency entrance, Pastor Ken and his wife, Karla came shortly afterward. We went into prayer and spiritual warfare. I prayed the blood through the blockages and out of the brain. Each time her vital signs wavered I prayed them back. Karren felt a release at 3:00 a.m. and I said she should go. Pastor Ken and Karla left shortly after that.

It has been difficult at times but not overwhelming. God has honored me with the responsibility of caring for someone I love. It is not as bad as some or as good as others. Just what He knew I could handle.

Some of my dreams and desires have been put aside. But I realize that this is a short span of time compared to eternity. Ministries have been laid aside but new ones have opened up. Earthly and temporal changes have had to be made and we ask permission to make every move or change. We are best friends and this helps a lot but still we find that we need time away from each other on occasion.

The Lord has given us such grace and favor that it is awesome. We don't dwell on the negative aspects, but of what wondrous opportunities that have been brought forth. I relish every minute we are together, yet get discouraged and give place to self-pity at times. These times are fewer and fewer as the Lord enriches and strengthens me.

Sometimes in the morning I lay awake in bed and pray. I don't get up right away because I don't want to disturb Joan who might have had a rough night. I wait for her to move so I will know that she has made it though another night.

Our sexual interaction has been amended and limited but I have reached victory in this. We still "talk," a good experience and kid about it and hug a lot.

I thank God that He has allowed me to see the depths of who He is in the midst of tragedy. My perspective of chronic illness has changed tremendously. I now pray differently and feel I really have tapped into His heart in may ways. God is my strength.

Written By: Dick's Wife, Joan:

I just want to add a couple of comments to Dick's letter. I want to first of all Praise God for this precious man in my life. Dick and I have always been friends first, and have always respected each other. After I became ill and so many changes had to take place, his love and respect never lessened. My husband does it all (except cook- I do manage to do that. He does make a mean peanut butter and jelly sandwich though).

He has done laundry, scrubbed floors, does dishes when I just can't drag my body to do them. He has yet to complain or yell at me for not having the house work done. If the house is cluttered and I am crashed on the couch, he quietly goes about straightening things. Husbands and wives, I urge you to respect each other at all times. We learned the hard way that stress makes the situation so much worse. If a stressful situation comes up I have instant chest pain and end up having to stop everything and lay down.

Remember the person dealing with chronic illness sure doesn't enjoy it. We would give anything to feel strong and healthy again. We need hugs, laughter and encouragement. Not anger, ridicule and attitude. My respect and love for my husband has grown even more than I thought was possible because of his attitude and devotion to my health and well being.

Dick and I had prayed about his letter and feel that if there is anyone reading it who does not understand quite what he is saying, please feel free to contact us though IDA. We will be happy to discuss it with you.

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Paul's Love

Written By: Paul Ferguson

I wonder where I should begin? Because Fibromyalgia is invisible so many people do not believe it really is a disease! You can not see it, therefore, it is not! That is what many "Doctors", Employers and Government have believed for along time. While they have ignored this disease it has tortured countless numbers of people. Years ago I witnessed this disease take the life of a wonderful woman and neighbor of mine, because she committed suicide after being told by countless doctors that all her pain was in her head!

The problem began years ago for my wife, but we just did not know what was happening! My wife was always doing something, always working on some project that she loved. She was a great Floral Designer and made a lot of money for the company she worked for in Griffin. She would decorate at least 12 Christmas Trees in the store, all over 12 feet and come home and decorate her own at home of 12 feet.

I really began to notice problems when are children began High School. We do not know what started all her problems, but I have to believe it started either when she was hit my lightning, or when she gave birth to our last child, because that was a difficult pregnancy and birth. But when the children entered High School, it seemed I had to push her into doing things for school, for the kids, and for us at home. She seemed to tire so easy and at first I thought she was just being lazy and did not care about the children's needs or mine. What made it more difficult was the fact that she would not complain or tell me how she was feeling. She was always the one who never got a cold or the flu or if she did she was over it before the rest of us.

Now she was taking naps in the middle of the day and not wanting to go out or go to one the kids ball games or Musicals and it was very upsetting for me, because it looked as if she did not care.

Then 4 years ago, she came to me and said she had to go to a doctor that she was hurting all the time and could not sleep, she would awake 4 am, 5 am and not be able to go back to sleep and that was after going to bed at 12 or 1am. She went to our family doctor, who tried a few things, but always acted as though she was trying to get drugs from him. He finally sent her to a Arthritis Specialist. I will never forget that day, because I went with her. I was so concerned for her, because I could now see that she was in pain, I could see it in her eyes, and in her face. The female doctor touched her behind the neck in a certain spot, she jumped and began to cry; and, then the doctor touched her in several other places, all of which brought more tears and she asked the doctor how can you know just right where to touch to make such pain!

When my wife began to cry, I knew we were in trouble. And please notice I said WE, because that is what marriage is! Two becoming one! My wife very seldom ever cried about anything, so I knew how serious this was, and the pain was. The doctor gave it a name Fibromyalgia! So, many doctors still do not believe or recognize this disease, but I can tell them all it is real! My wife now began to talk to me about what she was experiencing and I could see it! I know when it is going to be a good or bad or just fair day, just by looking at her face. I know when to tell her to slow down, just by looking at her face. I can see the pain in her eyes! And it hurts me, because there is nothing I can do to take that pain away.

When we first went to the specialist, the medicine seemed to help her for awhile. Then nothing seemed to work and the doctor gave her more and different types and nothing really helped her at all. Our family doctor became really concerned about all the medicines she was taking and afraid she was becoming a drug addict. Then in 1998, she was in the hospital 3 times. She had worked so hard at her job for December that she finally had no strength left in her. I had asked her to stop working so hard, she could barely get up our steps into the house after work and went straight to bed. Work and bed. So January was her first trip to the hospital. March, she was back in the hospital because all the medicine she was taking was causing stomach problems, called Diverticulitis; which was also serious, and it put her in the hospital again in April.

She then got off all the medicine they were giving her, and now takes only Tylenol, but that is of little help to her. As I said my wife was now talking to me. Telling me about the fact that her clothes would hurt her skin and wake her when she tried to change positions, that her thumbs were so weak and hurt so bad that they alone could keep her awake. The child protection caps on medicine bottles are torture for her and she can not open them.

She so loved who job as a Floral Designer, but could not use her thumbs and without your thumbs there is very little you can do at any job. She cried when we went by to pick up her tools from her job. Her manager did not even have the sense to try and accommodate for her the last months that she tried to work. He had her lifting furniture and other items in the store and stocking etc. Her last work was in January and 3 months later when we went back to pick up her tools, he stated she "had out sold all the designers in all six stores for the 3 months she had not worked and that another designer had just sold more than her." If I had someone working for me that was that good, I would find away to make it possible for her to work. But he worked her until she could work no more.

Then we realized the loss of her salary was going to destroy our budget, which it has. She went to social security looking for help, a new job that maybe she could do, training or disability. She received little assistance from them. Months later they ask her to take a job. I asked doing what? Floral Designer for a new store opening. I told her you can't do that, I could not believe they were not finding her something that she could physically do! Her desire to help us financially made her try and she lasted the first day. And spent the next 3 days in bed. I told her we would starve to death before she ever tried something like that again. Again no accommodation was made for her. They had her stocking shelves. Our youngest daughter said, mom we do not need money bad enough for you to go through that! It was the cruelest thing I have ever seen. But again it is because Social Security, like most of Society does not believe this is real, because they can not see it!

There was a time when I could not believe there was anything wrong with my wife, but when I could see the pain in her face and eyes, I had no more doubt. And when I saw the doctor inflict pain with just the touch of her finger in the right place, I knew this was real! So real, I felt so helpless.

I do not believe there was ever a time when I thought about running or leaving her. I can not understand how someone can do that! It is in sickness and health. Those words have great meaning to me and are what a real man will follow! Make no mistake it is what marriage is about. I plan to get old with her!

My wife has a spirit and will not give up. I do not know how she makes it some days, since she has nothing but Tylenol now for the pain. I want her to try another specialist and see if there is something new that can help her. But she is afraid of the complications from the medicines. I know she has great courage, to go without any pain medications.

There are times when I have to remind her that she is trying to go to far or do to much, because if she does not stop, she will pay for it many days. I try not to ask to much of her at any time because there is no way I can know how she is feeling, only by looking at her eyes can I tell where she is at and that is not always a good indicator either.

I try to make sure I am there to do most of the physical things that are needed to be done in our household. I try not to ask anything of her and let her do what she feels she can do on a daily basis. I am a neat freak, but my house is anything but neat and I know that she can not do it, so it stays a mess until I can do something about it. And that is OK!

The value of a human being is so much more important than a clean house and a woman who has given me so much over the last 30 years deserves so much more than I can even give her. I understand pain, even though I have a high pain threshold and I am able by the grace of God to go on in spite of pain, because of training and experience in the game of football for 14 years. Most of my pain that gets in the way of my life is in my knees and is arthritis as well, but hers is over most of her body, including her skin.

I will never understand how a "man" can walk out on his wife because she has an illness of any kind. There is a love, a respect, a loyalty that I have for my wife and my believe in God's word that would never allow me to walk out on her. There are sacrifices that have to be made for her and our finances suffer but we have each other and that is all that is needed and a faith in God who gives us the strength to carry on. Marriage involves a sacrifice in the first place, because you are to become one and that means sacrificing yourself to one another. That sacrifice is not as great as the one Christ suffered for us, but it is a sacrifice. But as the Bible promises, the that give will receive more.

If you are planning to walk out on your wife, because she has Fibromyalgia or M.S. etc. you are making the worst mistake you will ever make in your life! I recently had open-heart surgery, my wife was by my beside for 5 days. She was in pain, she was so uncomfortable and so tired, but she was there for me. She did not have to speak or do anything for me, but the fact that she was there was so comforting. And, I can tell you that the day will come when you will need that love one there with you for whatever reason and if you do not have the character or heart to stay with your wife when the going gets tough, who will be there for you when your time comes? You and I are but a frail being, none of us are a perfection and no one is more important to you other than God, than your spouse!

Some of you may wonder about sex! Sex is only a moment in time! It is a beautiful thing, but there is so much more important elements in life than sex! Sex has been difficult for my wife, therefore, it sits on the shelf and waits for when it is going to be enjoyed and not mean pain for my wife. As the Bible states we are to worship our wife as we would God. If, you do that you won't be thinking about leaving your wife! God does not leave us, no matter what our sin, how can we leave our wife or any loved one because it is not convenient or like we would like it to be?

It is difficult to live with someone who has such pain, to watch them hurt and not be able to do simple things for themselves, but were we not all that way once and we may all find ourselves in that position again someday. Are you not glad that your mother did not walk off and leave you as a babe? After all she had to change those dirty pants, wipe those dirty faces and clean up all your messes. Life brings us to our utmost power and strength and bring us back down to the weakest point in the end. I will have strength because I have a wife who loves me. Maybe she can't give me sexual pleasure when I need it, or a great meal because she feels to bad or keep a clean house but these are only moments in time compared to the time we have spent together raising children, and loving each other and knowing each others needs before we can ask. What are a few moments compared to a life time!!! How can you throw a life out, like we do so many things, a life is not like the trash or yesterdays paper?

For my wife walking brings great pain, it is like having rocks in your shoes all the time, and her legs and hips hurt her so bad that she can hardly move at times. We go shopping and not seconds after we are in a store she wants to go home. Does that sound like a woman? Well, it is a woman in pain, so much pain that even shopping is torture to her. A woman who loved her job as a Florist, loved to create and was one of the best at it, but can't do it anymore.

A clean house, a great meal, great sex, are not always mine, but the love I have and the love I receive from my wife last! A clean house, a great meal and great sex never last they are only moments in a day.

Fibromyalgia is a cruel disease and can only be made even worse if you choose to leave the spouse you promised to love, respect, worship in sickness and in health. Christ will give you the strength to endure and if you choose to stay, you will be rewarded in ways you cannot dream of or maybe not even know until years later. But know real "MAN" walks out on his wife and it is a lot like the story in the Bible about the rich man who walked over the sick man who was at his door and did not help him. When he died he could see the poor man in heaven, from his place in Hell and asked him for just a drop of water and St. Peter told him he cannot come over there and you can not go over to him. I do not know how any man can walk out on someone with the problems my wife has and I can tell you we have faced some grave problems, because of this illness, but she is worth more to me than any set of problems.

I know that God and Jesus Christ will help us get through all of this and he has already done many things for us. He has not taken the disease away, but he has helped financially and spiritually to get through this time.

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Top 10 Things Men Can Do To

Encourage Their Wives!

By Wayne and Sherri Connell

Ó 2004 Where Is God Ministries

10) Bring her flowers or a card.

9) Greet her with a hug and kiss.

8) Take over the kitchen and do

     the dishes.

7) Massage her feet, neck or back (if not too painful).

6) Plan date nights in or out of the house.

5) Connect with her and tell her

     you love her.

4) Allow her to be honest about how

     she is doing.

3) Believe her when she says

     she “can’t” do this or that.

2) Listen to her feelings without

     trying to “fix it.”

1) Pray with her and for her.

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Until Death

Written By: Barb Henderson

This is a letter from a dear friend of Sherri and Wayne. She lost her mom to cancer and is graciously sharing a letter she wrote to her father about his commitment to her.

Barb wrote to me, "Now, my mom was not Chronically Ill, living with years of pain. But she did suffer quite a bit for the better part of a year and lived with cancer for over four years. My dad was awesome during that time. She died in 2000 and I was blessed to be able to tell my dad what God had shared with me."

July 25^th, 2000

Dear Dad,

I am writing this late at night and I am crying as I do. Not because of you. But maybe some things we need to say are long overdue…I want you to know how proud I am of you. If I never respected you ever before (and I state that with an IF) or showed you the respect I had for you, the respect I have for you now makes up for the past 1000 times over. I watched you over the last weeks and months of mom’s life and drew inspiration from you. I never understood your love for each other, but seeing you care for her tirelessly and above and beyond any persons reasonable capabilities showed me more about the strength of God and of true love than just about anything I’ve ever known.

Your labors of love, trips to the store, drives to the doctor and hospital, your “attempts” in the kitchen, patience, response to mom’s every request, catering to her childlike “tastes”, your humility and servant heart in “changing” and bathing mom, all the ways you denied yourself, dignified her, supported her, sympathized with her and fought battles for her elevated you in my eyes to new heights.

Thank you for loving my mom so well. Thank you for being there more than any one single person. Thank you for keeping and fulfilling your marital vows to her and loving her, cherishing her, honoring her and respecting her until death parted you. Thank you for modeling that kind of love to me. She was so lucky to have had you all these years and especially till she drew her last breath. I am lucky to have had both of you together as my parents. I am extremely fortunate to have parents who never gave up on each other or the permanency of marriage even when the going got tough.

I would not be who I am today at this very moment had I not had the privilege of coming over to help you, to “baby sit” mom, to wash her beautiful hair and touch her when she needed loving, supportive, caring, life-giving human touch. I am changed by the un-welcomed need I could fill in her life even though I owed her so much more.

I’ve never heard of a more beautiful thing in my whole entire life than how you would “strip” down, help mom get ready for a shower and get right in there with her, holding her up, washing her, drying her off, just so she could be clean. Maybe to you that seemed perfectly natural, but I was struck by the profound reflection of Christ-like love in you.

            Humor me by letting me quote from my favorite book, the bible, something that struck me as I wrote the above paragraph. From Paul’s letter to the Ephesians 5:25: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with the water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

I love just about every word of the bible and this is one of my favorite verses. But sometimes understanding a 21^st century application of the Word of the Lord is difficult. Dad, I’ve looked my whole life for an up close personal example of authentic Christianity, one that proved so clearly that what the bible says is true and that God’s ways are the best ways. Finally, I see my most life-changing example in front of me.

I’ve looked for the kind of sacrificial love that asks nothing in return. I assumed at times I knew exactly where I would find it based on my ideas of “how things are supposed to be.” Despite my idealism and optimism, I have learned that in reality, that kind of love is very, very rare. By the grace of God, or your own personal goodness, or some other unseen reason, you exemplified the possession of that very rare quality. I hope you know that the Lord has worked through you and used you dearly, blessing mom and glorifying God, and that someone was watching and learning.

Undoubtedly, mom’s spiritual blamelessness and holiness is purely a matter between her and the Lord that rests on Christ and the Cross alone. But I am sure the first thing God noticed when she walked in was how radiant she was! He probably said, “Boy, that Rollie did a great job!” Well, anyway, I sure thought she looked radiant whenever we would help her clean up. And I noticed how it wasn’t just about appearances either. Mom had a definite inner radiance that never faded. I believe what my bible says, and that inner quality comes from being loved - God’s way.

I miss mom more than anything and I miss the friendship we were just beginning to build that we’ll never be able to share this side of heaven. I don’t have nearly enough family in this world and I could hardly spare one more person. I bet you are much better at moving on than I am, but I am sure you miss her too. I’ll always remember what you did for her. I sometimes think you saved the best for last. You shared, however, I am sure many special times with mom and have uncounted memories. For this you are both blessed, and just knowing it is so, I am blessed, too.

Well, I wanted you to know what I really thought, and I didn’t just think up this stuff right now. I have told several other people in talking about mom about your amazing love and how you showed her in every gesture. I just didn’t take the time to tell you yet. So always remember this is what I really think. I feel very, very, very humbled to know so much love, and loss, and humanity and awe in things as simple as love and family, living and dying.

With all my heart,

Barb

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When Your Wife Is Ill



By Wayne Connell

Copyright © 2005



Most people are aware of the divorce rate is about 50% in America. The divorce rate when the wife becomes chronically ill, often soars to 80%. Since men tend to be “fixers” and they are unable to “fix “their wives, sometimes they take the easy way out and abandon them. People are shocked when they find out that I married Sherri after she had become ill. I always tell them, I married Sherri—not her illness. Besides, I wanted to get the “worse” and “sickness” part of our marriage started so I could look forward to the “best” and “health” part. Although Sherri will probably never be healthy until Jesus takes her home, God has allowed me to be content despite her illness and He has definitely been my strength. Sherri is an awesome lady and God has blessed her with true beauty, both physically and spiritually. I have been blessed to share in her triumphs and sufferings.

Marriage in and of itself takes much time and effort. Toss in a chronic illness and everything is an issue - from being able to enjoy activities together, to increasing medical bills, to just trying to keep the house running. Because we have a single income due to Sherri’s inability to work, and ever increasing medical bills, lack of finances is probably the biggest struggle. Since she can rarely cook we have the added expense of regularly eating out as well.

We cannot enjoy things that bring many couples closer like dancing, biking or camping. Often we are unable to attend family gatherings or social events. It is difficult to connect with other couples and form friendships. I love to go to concerts and plays, but it is extremely painful for Sherri to sit in one spot for more than fifteen minutes; and since she was a music theatre major, these events can send her into a depression. We’ve also missed out on being able to have and raise children. I even have to handle most of the chores myself which when both spouse are healthy are shared. It is a constant struggle just to keep the house somewhat clean.

My faith in God and my love for Sherri are the two things that keep me going through the tough times. As I rely more and more on Christ, I have learned that in order for me to be like Christ, I must love my wife as Christ loved the church and that was unto death. Also, being Christ like is to suffer as he did. I have found that suffering is the only way we can grow in our spiritual lives. When things are going well we just coast and become complacent. When tough times come our way we have to turn to Christ, because in our weakness He is strong.

As men, we must allow Christ to be the center of our lives and we must lead our families and our marriages by being servants. We must focus on our relationship with our wife and not what we can or can’t do anymore due to our wife’s illness. Yes, it can be overwhelming, but scripture says we are not to lean on our own understanding but to rely are Christ. I hear people say that God won’t give you any thing you can’t handle. Well, this scripture, 1 Corinthians 10:13, really says that God will always give us a way out of temptation—not about what we can handle. God allows all kinds of situations in our lives, which we can’t handle in order to drive us to Him. Only through Christ can we do all things.

Growing up in a broken home with an abusive stepfather, I learned to rely on God when times were tough. I also learned compassion; to come alongside hurting people, offering a kind word and a hug. Being sensitive to other’s needs has helped me tremendously when dealing with Sherri’s illness and pain. By instinct, when we are in public I know when she needs a chair or when she has had enough and needs a break. I have noticed that I am aware of other people who are hurting and their immediate needs as well.

Our society can be frustrating because everyone is so focused on “success” that we forget about those who are in need. We become so “busy” that we often don’t have time for God, family, friends and especially someone who is hurting on a long-term basis. However, Sherri’s illness has caused us to reprioritize our lives, so it has given us a perspective of what is important and what real “success” in life is all about. It has driven us to a deeper compassion for those who are suffering.

Finally, even though it seems I have it all together and I might even think that myself in regards to our marriage and Sherri’s illness, I do fail often. When she is crying out and needs a gentle touch, I tend to only think about my needs. The great thing though is that as our marriage has progressed, I have become more aware of her needs and less of my wants. My prayer has been to be a servant to her and God has been answering it in the last few years. I have to remember that I am commanded to love my wife no matter what and with God’s help, I will.

Copyright © 2005

Article To Appear In HopeKeepers Magazine,
Published by Rest Ministries.
Issue: January/February 2005

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